CtJester
27 Jun 2003, 10:33 PM
"I'm entranced by swirling ass... lots and lots of swirling ass."
Woah, where am I?....ah yes.... it's time, once again, for the cheese doodles to do their magic. And never before have the cheese doodles been so disappointing, yet so tasty.
Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle - 1 out of 5 cheese doodles.
I don't know whether to kill or congratulate McG (the director) for making a movie that A - splits my head open like a used watermelon after a Gallagher concert, B - makes me never want to listen to the radio EVER AGAIN (if you want to enjoy WOXY in the future, AVOID THE MOVIE), C - makes me appreciate the female form and the pseudo-lesbianism that accompanies that, and D - makes me want to see more of Demi Moore in BETTER FILMS!
Ugh, I have no clue where to begin. That's usually a bad sign.
Let's start with the great. For those of you who live in the Cincinnati area, I saw this movie at the newly opened RAVE cinemas on Union Center Blvd in West Chester. It's hands down the most comfortable and most immersive movie complex in town. Large screens, big sound, comfortable chairs that rock and have rising arm rests, all in a nice little package. It's a little dark in the color scheme, so it is hard to see in the hallways, but otherwise, I'm thuroughly impressed and I will see T3 there.
Now onto the film (aww, do I HAVE to?).....
CAFT is MTV X 10 for those who have no patience for MTV X 1. It is also, by far, the funniest film I've seen all year, unintentionally of course. It makes Bruce Almighty look like a college course on Ethics.
'What can be so bad yet make you so enthralled to see it?', you might ask. Well, it's simple. For all it was worth, the first CA film was a light piece of entertainment that was fun for the most part. Sure it was fluff, but it was fun fluff. Here, I was hoping for the same light fluff, not a sugar high.
You know it's going to be an ordeal when the movie's opening credits sequence is the trailer for the film. That's right. The trailer's you may have seen? That's the first 10 minutes. The truck driving off of the dam? That's minute 8. Lucy Liu roping the guy in Las Vegas? Minute 10. And it's during these action pieces that the credit's are rolling. It's over the top, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over the top. There aren't enough A's in my computer's memory buffer to add more to that WAY. If you go to this movie looking for realism, I'll give you this pair of signed Cameron Diaz panties I got from her personally.
It never recovers either. The whole movie is like standing next to a grenade with the pin out. You know it's going to go off, and the result will be loud and painful, yet you can't get very far away before the blast occurs. It's not that the actors and actresses aren't likeable. They're all about as campy as they were the first time around (with some additional cameos), and they aren't to blame. No, the real blame lies with McG and the script.
McGenius is one banana short of a fruit basket, and this movie proves it. At least in CA, he had a little restraint. Here it's like he's directing a music video to songs he likes, with useless dialouge and special effects thrown in. He also has an affinity for the 1980's, since a lot of the music and costumes are from that point in time. As I recall, the only time there WASN'T music in the background, was during the office scenes where they talked to the speakerbox.
The script is bad. Really bad. The whole plot centers around two rings, that when joined, give the real names of people in the witness protection program. That's it. Does it matter who has the rings at any given time? No. Does it matter that the rings are just a plot device to give the angels someone to chase? No. Does it matter if the rings are recovered? No. So, what DOES matter in the film then? Swirling ass. Lots and lots of swirling ass. And that's the one thing this film does RIGHT.
If you're used to bad wire-fu in movies, then you're in for an eyeful here. The fighting is SO outlandish, I was thinking more of Cirque De Angels instead of anything realistic. The special effects are also mondo bizarro. Want to see someone do a Hart Attack on a BMX bike, let go of the handlebars, pull out two guns, and fire about 6 rounds off in bullet time? Check. Want to see a sports car do a 360 flip in midair with two women in the seats and two hanging onto the back for dear life? Check. It's all so outrageous, yet I give McGurgitation the credit to have the balls to do it in the first place. It takes a lot to make action boring. I guess this is truly what a beautiful disaster consists of.
If there's anything right with the film, it's the women. They all have a good time, and you can see it. They enjoyed making this movie. And my God, Demi, MAKE MORE MOVIES!!!!! I could stare at her all day. Swirling ass or no.
The guys, on the other hand, are left with nothing to do. Bernie Mac is ok as Bosley, but just ok. Bruce Willis makes a non speaking cameo. The villians aren't memorable at all, other than said Ms. Moore. It's all just peripherals to the main thing..... swirling ass.
I might, one day, rent this again just for the Pussycat Lounge-esqueness of the 'Treasure Chest' dance sequence, but other than that, this can rot on the rental shelf for all I care.
So to recap: go for Demi Moore and swirling ass and punishment, just make sure to take the Pepto for the sour taste afterward.
And see a movie at the RAVE. It's nice.
-ct 'Feel good, real good, it's the same old same.......' jester
Woah, where am I?....ah yes.... it's time, once again, for the cheese doodles to do their magic. And never before have the cheese doodles been so disappointing, yet so tasty.
Charlie's Angel's: Full Throttle - 1 out of 5 cheese doodles.
I don't know whether to kill or congratulate McG (the director) for making a movie that A - splits my head open like a used watermelon after a Gallagher concert, B - makes me never want to listen to the radio EVER AGAIN (if you want to enjoy WOXY in the future, AVOID THE MOVIE), C - makes me appreciate the female form and the pseudo-lesbianism that accompanies that, and D - makes me want to see more of Demi Moore in BETTER FILMS!
Ugh, I have no clue where to begin. That's usually a bad sign.
Let's start with the great. For those of you who live in the Cincinnati area, I saw this movie at the newly opened RAVE cinemas on Union Center Blvd in West Chester. It's hands down the most comfortable and most immersive movie complex in town. Large screens, big sound, comfortable chairs that rock and have rising arm rests, all in a nice little package. It's a little dark in the color scheme, so it is hard to see in the hallways, but otherwise, I'm thuroughly impressed and I will see T3 there.
Now onto the film (aww, do I HAVE to?).....
CAFT is MTV X 10 for those who have no patience for MTV X 1. It is also, by far, the funniest film I've seen all year, unintentionally of course. It makes Bruce Almighty look like a college course on Ethics.
'What can be so bad yet make you so enthralled to see it?', you might ask. Well, it's simple. For all it was worth, the first CA film was a light piece of entertainment that was fun for the most part. Sure it was fluff, but it was fun fluff. Here, I was hoping for the same light fluff, not a sugar high.
You know it's going to be an ordeal when the movie's opening credits sequence is the trailer for the film. That's right. The trailer's you may have seen? That's the first 10 minutes. The truck driving off of the dam? That's minute 8. Lucy Liu roping the guy in Las Vegas? Minute 10. And it's during these action pieces that the credit's are rolling. It's over the top, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over the top. There aren't enough A's in my computer's memory buffer to add more to that WAY. If you go to this movie looking for realism, I'll give you this pair of signed Cameron Diaz panties I got from her personally.
It never recovers either. The whole movie is like standing next to a grenade with the pin out. You know it's going to go off, and the result will be loud and painful, yet you can't get very far away before the blast occurs. It's not that the actors and actresses aren't likeable. They're all about as campy as they were the first time around (with some additional cameos), and they aren't to blame. No, the real blame lies with McG and the script.
McGenius is one banana short of a fruit basket, and this movie proves it. At least in CA, he had a little restraint. Here it's like he's directing a music video to songs he likes, with useless dialouge and special effects thrown in. He also has an affinity for the 1980's, since a lot of the music and costumes are from that point in time. As I recall, the only time there WASN'T music in the background, was during the office scenes where they talked to the speakerbox.
The script is bad. Really bad. The whole plot centers around two rings, that when joined, give the real names of people in the witness protection program. That's it. Does it matter who has the rings at any given time? No. Does it matter that the rings are just a plot device to give the angels someone to chase? No. Does it matter if the rings are recovered? No. So, what DOES matter in the film then? Swirling ass. Lots and lots of swirling ass. And that's the one thing this film does RIGHT.
If you're used to bad wire-fu in movies, then you're in for an eyeful here. The fighting is SO outlandish, I was thinking more of Cirque De Angels instead of anything realistic. The special effects are also mondo bizarro. Want to see someone do a Hart Attack on a BMX bike, let go of the handlebars, pull out two guns, and fire about 6 rounds off in bullet time? Check. Want to see a sports car do a 360 flip in midair with two women in the seats and two hanging onto the back for dear life? Check. It's all so outrageous, yet I give McGurgitation the credit to have the balls to do it in the first place. It takes a lot to make action boring. I guess this is truly what a beautiful disaster consists of.
If there's anything right with the film, it's the women. They all have a good time, and you can see it. They enjoyed making this movie. And my God, Demi, MAKE MORE MOVIES!!!!! I could stare at her all day. Swirling ass or no.
The guys, on the other hand, are left with nothing to do. Bernie Mac is ok as Bosley, but just ok. Bruce Willis makes a non speaking cameo. The villians aren't memorable at all, other than said Ms. Moore. It's all just peripherals to the main thing..... swirling ass.
I might, one day, rent this again just for the Pussycat Lounge-esqueness of the 'Treasure Chest' dance sequence, but other than that, this can rot on the rental shelf for all I care.
So to recap: go for Demi Moore and swirling ass and punishment, just make sure to take the Pepto for the sour taste afterward.
And see a movie at the RAVE. It's nice.
-ct 'Feel good, real good, it's the same old same.......' jester