Every Picture Tells A Story

[CtJester]

Welcome, my friends, to episode one of 'Every Picture Tells A Story'. Tonight's episode:

'Ant Condominium'

http://dheera.net/sts/exhibit%20-%20wierd%20structure.jpg

Dean sat down with his friend Bruce at the science fair to eat lunch and discuss the day's events....

Dean: 'Yo Bruce, how goes it with the science fair project?'

Bruce: 'Oh, not so great Dean. I'm trying to get this project up to code.'

Dean: 'Up to code? I don't think I quite follow you.'

Bruce: 'Well this whole entomology theme has really got me down. Mr. Waters, my science teacher, gave me a D on my project, telling me that my building wasn't up to code. I mean, I thought it was. I had nice clear plastic cups, and soda bottles that had colored labelling for that 'stained glass' effect, but for some reason, the ants that were living there just kept dying. I tried to make improvements. I took off the lids to the bottles so they could get air, I made the colony look like an anthill for asthetic reasons, and I even built on top of this cafeteria table so they'd have crumbs to eat. I'm just not sure what went wrong?!'

Dean: 'Buddy, I'm not sure either. Fundementally your structure is sound and the idea is solid, but I can't understand why......oh, wait a minute..... look in 3-B....'

*we zoom in to one of the soda bottles*

Emily Ant: 'Harry, I think we have a problem. There's a lot of liquid at the bottom of this bottle. Did you call the landlord?'

Harry Ant: 'Yes, Em. I did call the landlord, about 5000 TIMES! Good Lord, he's standing RIGHT THERE, but still he can't hear me. I'd be willing to bet anything that this liquid is toxic waste or something.....for God's sake, it's green. All we ever drink is water, yet we have sludge backing up into our home.'

Emily Ant: 'Here, let me crawl up to the hole at the top and yell at that slum lord.....'

*Emily starts her ascent*

Harry Ant: 'No, Em don't. It's not safe, and I don't want you to....'

Emily Ant: 'It's ok, I'll just.......oh God, I'm slipping........AHHHHHHHHHHHHH...'

Harry Ant: 'NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!'

*zoom back out to the boys*

Dean: 'Oh, I see why now. Your ants are commiting mass suicide.'

Bruce: 'Well I couldn't have seen THAT coming.....'

Dean: 'Just go tell Mr Winters that your ants are to blame, and maybe he'll give you a better grade.'

Bruce: 'Good idea. I'll be right back!'

*Bruce leaves. Dean reaches into his backpack and pulls out a magnifying glass and angles it to magnify the sunlight streaming into the room.*

Dean: 'I told you to shut up Harry. Your lovely misses was the first to succumb to my tampering when I spit into the bottle earlier. Now it's YOUR turn! My grasshopper villa WILL win this year......oh yes, it WILL!!!!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!'

This has been episode 1 of... 'Every Picture Tells A Story'. Goodnight.

-ct 'soap opera.....WHAT soap opera?' jester

[CtJester]

Episode 2: 'Kiss This!'

http://www.delworsham.com/2002/vegas2/kiss.jpg

*offscreen*

Photographer: 'Ok Gene, I need a little more tongue.....'

*onscreen*

Gene: 'So, Fred, tell me how you got involved with the NRA.'

Fred: 'Gene, this is the NHRA. Y'know; car racing. We don't have anything to do with guns.'

Paul: 'Is it true that Charelton Heston likes to drive really fast down these straight-aways?'

Fred: 'Paul, I don't think Charelton Heston actually drives anywhere. He's probably got a driver who.....'

Gene: 'Fred, is it true you can get a silencer for most any automatic weapon? Y'know, I wish I had a silencer for Cher when I was bangin' her, if ya know what I mean. *wink, wink*'

Fred: 'Gene, I'm telling you, we're an organization for racing, not for gu......'

Paul: 'Fred, does the right to bare arms apply to people without suntans? ....... hahahaha, I'm only kidding!'

Fred: 'Paul, you're an idiot.'

*offscreen*

Photographer: 'Ok now. Look as though you're plowing through a field of cotton on a snowmobile! Good! That's it! ....and smile!'

(click)

*onscreen*

Paul: 'Can I take your cache with me to promote our upcoming 'We've Overstayed Our Welcome Tour'? I'm sure people would love to buy guns with our logo on it. Look at how well our caskets are doing!'

Fred: 'Sure, fine, do whatever you want. Just don't let me be a party to this charade. I'm out of here....'

*Fred goes back to the garage.*

Gene: 'Well he was certainly a fan. Did you see how interested he was in the way we pretended to be interested in his little hobby?'

Paul: 'Yeah, we really impressed him. Hey, maybe you should spit blood and fire at the next gun convention! It'll be spectacular!.....'

Gene: 'Great idea. Let me call Cher.'

This has been episode two of Every Picture Tells A Story......

-ct 'trogdar' jester

[CtJester]

Episode 3: 'It's Pasta Anytime!'

http://jeremy.zawodny.com/pics/jp-favorites/dcp00816-800.jpg

Wife: 'I'm so glad we decided to go to the country to do a little shopping, honey. I just love the little shops outside of Tokyo, they're so quaint and......oh my God.... Harold you got to see this!'

Husband: 'What is it Marge? I was just looking at the interesting fish selection that have over at the meat coun........ter...... Is that a penis?'

Wife: 'Yeah, I think it is. Do you think that they know they're selling Penis Pasta? I mean really know what they're selling?'

Husband: 'Marge, you have to realize that this is Japan and not the U.S.. Everything here is going to be different than you might expect.'

Wife: 'Harold, I'm not nieve. I realize that there's going to be differences in culture.....but.....penis pasta?! I mean, really.'

Husband: 'I think it's cute. Although I'm not necessarily keen on the idea of eating it.'

Wife: 'You could only WISH you were that al-dente.'

Husband: 'Marge! That was rude! Besides, I'm sure if we got some, there wouldn't be any left for me due to the way you eat.....'

Wife: 'Harold, you better stop right there! Here, take this package of 'Grow a Pecker'. I think you need it. Hmph.'

Husband: 'Oh yeah? I can't wait until I find the PMS Pasta Sauce.....'

This has been episode 3 of Every Picture Tells A Story. Drive safely.

-ct 'I've got some jelly to go with that pasta.' jester

[classicgrrl]

LOL :D

I like the Grow A Pecker package in the corner...

[CtJester]

Episode 4: 'Leap Frog Fiasco'

http://www.bikerfox.com/Bicycle/New/hop/bf017_17.jpg

*pedal, pedal, pedal, boing!*

.....


*tumble, tumble, tumble*

.....

*break two ribs, tear cartilage in knee, land on two people having a picnic lunch and roll right past them*

.....

*land in pond at bottom of hill*

.....

*start to drown*

.....

*mime watches in horror, but does nothing to help you except to motion 'how to swim'*

.....

*life flashes before eyes*

.....

*you die*

.....

*God laughs in your face for playing leap frog on a bicycle in the first place*

This has been episode 4 of Every Picture Tells A Story. Please tip your waitress.

-ct 'Say Ooh, La La, Sassoon....' jester

[marshallnesta]

holyshit you have too much free time at your disposal. go get a jigsaw puzzle. or train seeing-eye dogs. or learn german.

[CtJester]

Originally posted by marshallnesta
holyshit you have too much free time at your disposal. go get a jigsaw puzzle. or train seeing-eye dogs. or learn german.

That's what I get for working graveyard shift with nothing but a two-liter of Mountain Dew a night.

Oh yeah, and I just completed a 2000 piece puzzle of a seeing-eye dog reading a braile edition of 'Die Verlorene Ehre' der Katharina Blum. Does that count?

-ct ' :rolleyes: :p ' jester

[classicgrrl]

jester - dont EVER stop having too much time on your hands!

classic-always laughing my ass off at your posts-grrl

[Bronzetree]

You can get that Penis Pasta at your local Spencers. Or maybe it's the Cupboard. Don't remember, but I saw it 'round these parts when I was Christmas shopping last year.

[CtJester]

Episode 5: 'Mama Sang Bass, Daddy Sang Tenor'

http://drakkartiste.free.fr/groupemusique/soulle-city/disque.jpg

Jethro: 'I wanna play pitchfork!'

Cleotis: 'You get the hoe.'

Jethro: 'What ho. I's don't sees me no ho.'

Cleotis: 'The hoe that's in Elmer's hand.'

Elmer: 'Dis here hoe?'

Jethro: 'Yeah, dat hoe.'

Cleotis: 'Oh.'

Billy: 'I gots me a spade. Does dat help?'

Cleotis: 'No.'

This has been an abbreviated Every Picture Tells A Story so that we may bring you the latest with the War In Iraq....

Episode 1: 'Shouting Match'

http://i.cnn.net/cnn/2002/ALLPOLITICS/11/05/elec02.iraq.issue.blitzer/story.bush.saddam.iraq.jpg

Peter: 'Peter Arnette here, live in Baghdad, reporting for anyone who'll have me. Today, in between the fury of constant bombardment by Allied forces, and the distractions of many veiled women serving my every whim, I have been informed that President Bush got into a shouting match with Saddam, or one of his many doubles, via videophone. Iraqi television has just broadcast the footage, so let's show this to our home viewers before we have anyone with a shred of credibilty review the tape.'

George: 'Saddam, you must disarm, or we will kill you.'

Saddam: 'Disarm? Don't you mean disrobe? I hear you like the women, eh Georgie-poo....'

George: 'I think you have me confused with the former administr....'

Saddam: 'Oh come now.... I know your wife isn't the most sexy woman in the world. What's her name? Lisa?'

George: 'It's Laura.'

Saddam: 'Ah yes, Laura..... she must be a real winner. Kind of like your alcoholic twins. *chuckle*'

George: 'Why you little....'

*static*

Peter: 'Unfortunately this is all we could get of this conversation. Stay tuned to this station.......ummm, what station am I on again?... Oh bloody hell, just watch these annoying little postings for further developments. We now return you to your local picture abuse.'

This has been episode 5 of Every Picture Tells A Story. Raise your hand if you're Sure!

-ct 'MEDIC!' jester

[CtJester]

Episode 6: 'The Meowtrix'

http://www.andydenniscoates.supanet.com/funpics/matrix2.jpg

*insert some random techno song here*

Neo-cat: 'Woah! What a sword!'

Morphy-cat: 'Don't think of it as a sword that can slice your whiskers off in a fraction of a second.... think of it as a series of 1's and 0's that can slice your whiskers off in a fraction of a second.'

Neo-cat: 'Cool! Can I do the slow motion thingy now? Huh? Can I, can I, huh, huh, huh?'

Morphy-cat: 'Did you get into my stash of blue pills again, kid?'

Neo-cat: 'There is no spoon.... I mean, sword.'

Morphy-cat: 'What did I tell you. You're only supposed to take the red or blue one's once. The green ones are reserved for Aerosmith's dressing room. I'm guessing you had a green one.'

Neo-cat: 'I wanna go back and do that 'birthing canal' sequence over again!'

Morphy-cat: *sigh*

Neo-cat: 'Trinity's hot! Is she a calico? I heard she was a calico. You know how I love me the.....'

Morphy-cat: 'Ok, that's quite enough. Let's practice jujitsu.'

Neo-cat: 'Is this where I triple-paw you to the face and then lose to you because I'm not fast enough?'

Morphy-cat: 'Yes, Neo, it is.'

Neo-cat: 'Then what's the point?'

Morphy-cat: 'Sequels, my young apprentice...... sequels.'

This has been episode 6 of Every Picture Tells A Story. Dude, where's my car?!

-ct 'I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller...' jester

[CtJester]

Episode 7: 'Rod, Tell Her What She's Won'

http://www.allfunpix.com/humor/pics2/gameshow.jpg

Rod Roddy: 'Well Stacy, for solving today's puzzle, you win a year's supply of Turtle Wax. Turtle Wax, always number one in car waxing fun. Also, you win a date with me, Rod Roddy. I'll pick you up at your place promptly at 8, where we will then be whisked away by a limo to Bob Barker's house for a lovely candlelight dinner for just the three of us. After dinner, we'll retire to Bob's brand.....new..... hottub! for a little 'quality time' if you get my drift, and..... uh...... Tipper Gore? What are you doing here?'

http://clinton3.nara.gov/WH/EOP/VP_Wife/trips/goreca2.jpg

Tipper: 'Rod, you should be ashamed of yourself. Can't you see what your gameshow is doing to the children of the world? Can't you understand the damage you're doing to their fragile minds? Not everything is intended to be heard, or read, by our precious children.'

Rod Roddy: 'Tipper, you have it all wrong. I only read what's put up on the teleprompter. If you're concerned, then maybe you should talk to our script manager.... ctjester.'

CT: 'Hi.'

Tipper: 'Oh, so it's you who is to blame for the filth that is leaking into our airwaves, and into the minds of our kids.'

CT: 'Yep, that would be me.'

Tipper: 'How could you? I should create some new kind of police-like group and plaster a warning sticker over this entire thread.'

CT: 'Ok. It's your dime. Oh, and BTW, :rolleyes: '

Tipper: 'How DARE you emoticon me!'

CT: 'Let me guess. Al doesn't :o you enough?'

Tipper: 'AAAAAAAAAAAH!' *Tipper clasps the child's ears in her hands.* 'Listen, Al has nothing to do with this. You just let him out of this little.....'

CT: ' :p Apparently not enough tongue.'

Tipper: 'I'm going to call the station and complain to have you removed from the boards permanently!'

CT: 'Sure. Go ahead. I'll even give you the number..... it's 863-5665.'

Tipper: 'You are SO in trouble when I get back!'

CT: ' :cool: '


This has been episode 7 of EPTAS. Nothing beats the tangy zip of a pistol whip.

-ct 'We now return you to your regular programming....' jester

[CtJester]

Episode 8: 'Really, I'm Not A Kennedy On A Moped'

http://www.dig-it.com/images/Dig_iT/columns/digsdogs/segfini1.jpg

Insert Dirty Vegas song.

Voiceover: 'Introducing the new, 2003 Segue. It's sleek, fast, and just this side of....'

Dean Kamen: 'Days go by and still I think of youuuuuu.....'

*bump*

ROWLOLWOLWOWWLLLLLLL

Dean Kamen: 'Oh, snap! I'm out of here!'

Voiceover: '...safe.'

This has been episode 8 of EPTAS. Turn your head and cough syrup. Maple, if you please.

-ct 'The next word is 'misanthropic'.' jester

[CtJester]

Episode 9: Six Feet Under Marmaduke

http://www.st.rim.or.jp/~gon-h/Image/DON%27T-DISTURB.JPG

William Hanna: 'Whose bright idea was this anyway?'

Charles Schultz: 'Don't look at me!'

This has been episode 9 of EPTAS. I saw that movie 'Prilosec Township', but it didn't live up to the original.

-ct 'one ringy-dingy' jester