in your 30s? love the one you're with, honey!

[DudeMan]

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

there's a 'controversial' article in the march atlantic magazine that basically tells women in their 30s to 'settle' and get married even if it's not the love of your life, because it's better going through life with a team-mate even if it's not 'the one', than the alternative of no one.

this is very old-school advise that i think pretty much everyone would've agreed with in 1951. but today? are people raised on the notion of romantic love and watching 'the bachelor' going to listen to this?

and sure this advise is practical, but is it even good advise?


There's a Rose
In a fisted Glove
and the eagle flies
with the dove
and if you can't be
with the one you love
it's alright
Go ahead and love the one,
love the one,
love the one you're with
love the one,
love the one,
love the one you're with

[c-lando]

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry


There's a Rose
In a fisted Glove
and the eagle flies
with the dove
and if you can't be
with the one you love
it's alright
Go ahead and love the one,
love the one,
love the one you're with
love the one,
love the one,
love the one you're with

Ugh. You just wrapped up all my fears of spinsterdom and American Idol in one post.

NO GSPoTD FOR YOU!!!

[berzerker]

I always love the one I'm with.
Even if I'm by myself.

[REMgirl]

Nonsense. My sister didn't marry until she was forty years old. And to further mess up the statistics, she had her first child at 42. She's in a great marriage and her little girl is thriving. In her case, it was just meeting the right guy at the right time.

I met my husband in high school. We married when we graduated college and have been married for 27 years. I knew when I met him that I would marry him. It's just different for everyone.:)

[purple_octopus]

Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go.
The author assumes you have to couple and breed to have any meaning in life. How lame.

Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is—look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality.
So even the author admits that your settled-for marriage will likely end in divorce. Why bother?
It’s like musical chairs—when do you take a seat, any seat, just so you’re not left standing alone?
Wow. Really? Pathetic.
But when I chose to have a baby on my own, the plan was that I would continue to search for true connection afterward...
Oh! I get it! The author made some REALLY STUPID decisions and now wishes she had someone to bail her out.
I also acknowledge the power of the grass-is-always-greener phenomenon, and allow for the possibility that my life alone is better (if far more difficult) than the life I would have in a comfortable but tepid marriage.
Yep. The bitch just sounds lazy now.

[jcarwash31]

I think a lot of people have too many stupid little hang-ups and unrealistic expectations. I don't know if that is this woman's problem. I don't think "settling" is the right term and nobody should have to settle. Some people just need to get over themselves and allow themselves to be happy with someone else.

FTR, I didn't read the entire article. I only read the first section.

[The Sheck]

Isn't there some stat which says married men and single women live longer than single men and married women?

[Shlep]

there's a 'controversial' article in the march atlantic magazine that basically tells women in their 30s to 'settle' and get married even if it's not the love of your life, because it's better going through life with a team-mate even if it's not 'the one', than the alternative of no one.

Really? Did the author not consider the option of such a woman just buying a dog? After all, any normal dog over 50 pounds worth his salt can fart and trash the house and leave secondary body hair lying about in unaccountably strange places and fidget with their dicks and create awkward, embarassing moments in social situations just as good as any man. And if push comes to shove, you can sell them to someone else.

I don't buy it. Then again, my concept of womanhood was (like many men) formed by my mother and grandmother, two very headstrong women who did not "need" men in their lives despite both coming of age in a time when notions about women, their "place," and the veritable necessity of marriage were not exactly wildly progressive.

My grandmothers' husband was a swell guy and a handsome devil...and an incorrigible drunk whose demons made him a veritable absentee husband and father when he was around and a genuine absentee father and husband when they cut his life short, leaving Grandma to hold down a household with half a dozen kids in the '30s and '40s.

My mother, educated by this example, didn't get married until she was 30, and by that time had a perfectly solid career of her own.

I am currently married to a woman who exhibits many of the traits I saw in them. This works on a number of levels, since I think a decent marriage is an equal partnership. If nothing else, I believe-- based on experience and observation-- that it helps for even a good man to have an influence that keeps him honest and motivates him to be better at being a husband, father, and male human being in general.

are people raised on the notion of romantic love and watching 'the bachelor' going to listen to this?

Well...I think anyone who thinks a "reality show" where a bunch of catty and annoying chicks enter a competition where they try to systematically eliminate each other in the hopes of entering a pre-arranged marriage to some douchebag with great teeth and have it documented and broadcast on TV for others to watch and somehow be entertained by it will believe all sorts of stupid shit. And they also deserve whatever happens to them.

I would have thought people-- especially women-- were much more pragmatic about notions of love and romance than they might have been in years past. At any rate, I'd have to say "God, I'd hope not." I fail to see what would be romantic about adopting that attitude that around age 30, if you've not found that "special someone," it's time to shit-can any notions of finding your true love and soulmate and marry whoever you can get ahold of and tolerate most of the time to avoid being lonely...man, that's depressing.

Depressing even to a guy like me who was 34 and had in fact finally decided that the odds of finding my true love and soulmate were logically and statistically remote in the extreme and had reconciled himself to the notion of dying single when he found her.

and sure this advise is practical...

No, it's not.

...but is it even good advise?

See above.


There's a Rose
In a fisted Glove

Wow...all this time, going back to when I can remember when this song was a hit, I had no idea those were the first two lines of the chorus. Am I the only guy who read this and suddenly had an image involving spike-heel boots, a leash, and a slave hood?

[DudeMan]

There's a Rose
In a fisted Glove

Wow...all this time, going back to when I can remember when this song was a hit, I had no idea those were the first two lines of the chorus. Am I the only guy who read this and suddenly had an image involving spike-heel boots, a leash, and a slave hood?
yeah i'm with you there. it just seemed like the perfect song to match the story, so i searched to get the lyrics and had a "huh??" moment when i read them. i guess either couldn't make out what they were saying or just never bothered. but i have no idea what that means, but yeah it does sound like some sort of S&M thing, doesn't it?

stephen stills.... 1970!

[ICONOCLAST420]

"Settling" for someone you may not be 100% sure you would marry if you weren't desperate is no way to go into a marriage, and it's not fair to the other person involved either.

[Angel30]

"Settling" for someone you may not be 100% sure you would marry if you weren't desperate is no way to go into a marriage, and it's not fair to the other person involved either.

I agree. Especially if that person doesn't think that they are settling.

I didn't read the whole article... I stopped once her diatribe started sounding an awful lot like blah blah blah. I am almost 34. Do I want to meet someone? Sure. Am I happy being single? Sure. I imagine I'll also be happy when I meet the right guy. But I WILL NOT SETTLE because some stupid woman who decided to have an anonymous donor as the father of her child tells me to.

Does this mean I am in denial? :D

[purple_octopus]

Does this mean I am in denial? :D
No, it means that you don't take advice on major life decisions from self-help writers (who put themselves in really bad positions by basing their own major life decisions on the advice of other looney self-help writers).

[Sushi]

Isn't there some stat which says married men and single women live longer than single men and married women?

Yes, although I can't locate it now. Apparently being married is good for men's health, not so good for women's health.

[the-dude]

Yes, although I can't locate it now. Apparently being married is good for men's health, not so good for women's health.

Shit, well i'm fucked.

[classicgrrl]

that woman needs to get a life.

she's full of shit.

[DaHood]

do do, do do, do do, do-do
do do, do do, do do, do-do
do do, do do, do do, do-do
do-do-do, do-do-do ...

[Homsar]

Great, now being the guy who'll be happy when he's 30 sounds even worse.

[crazyroommate]

that woman needs to get a life.

she's full of shit.

Amen Sister! This article is written by a selfish immature child.
I am a woman who is about to turn 30 and alone I have to say that yes I would like to be married and yes I would like to have children but NO I will not settle for some jackass just because it would be better to have a "man" in my life. She was CONSIDERING going on a date with a man that is rude to people and is fascinated with terrorist (and I don't think in a good way)?! Gee that is just freaky.
Now granted dating is a pain in the ass and it does get harder the older you get but really when was it easy?
and she decided to have a child THEN find a partner.
I am sorry but I have a real issue with someone who says "i want a kid" so they go and find "mr. perfect" on paper and hope for the best.
Adopt, become a foster parent but find some OTHER way of raising a child. Don't make another version of you. There are enough kids out there that need homes so why not take one of them BEFORE you make your own? Why not settle there smart ass?! Huh? Why is it okay to SETTLE for a man and not a child?
Needless to say this article is crap.
Someone pray that her child realizes she is ape-shit crazy and run away from home to have a better life.

[yoshomon]

Straight people blah blah blah

[Shlep]

Straight people blah blah blah

Non sequitors yadda yadda yadda...

[Ambassador V3.0]

"I ain't stayin' married to no man who shoots at me."--Hank Williams Sr.'s wife

"And I ain't stayin' married to no woman I have to shoot at!" --Hank Williams Sr. (Following incident where Hank Sr. fires at wife with Colt Peacemaker.)

***True story. The Ambassador does not condone the use of firearms against any of your loved ones. All of your objectives can generally be obtained via a more systemmatic, reasoned approach.

[crazyroommate]

Good for you, because I was married to 'some jackass' for a few years in my twenties and trust me, it would be better to live alone in a dumpster.

I met and married the love of my life at age 38. He feels the same about me. Neither of us is perfect, but we are perfect for each other. Even though I took one of those quizzes that calculated my chances of finding my soulmate, based on my picky, obnoxious personality, at something like 1 in 986,362,454,343,000....:) ) That author is an idiot. And BTW, that article pretty much ends ANY chances of her ever marrying a guy with any self-respect, wouldn't you think? :D

If I did what she wanted me too I would have married my drunken ex. All because I was approaching 30. Granted I don't think he would have married me because I wouldn't change my last name to his. GASP OMG yes he was that annoyed when I stated that if/when I get married I will be keeping my maiden name. He flipped.
And this is they guy I would have to have settled for. A drunk, egomaniac that wouldn't socialize with my friends unless he had a bottle of jack.
Oh yeah I should have settled all because I am going to be 30 this year.

And not only has this women scared off the men if she tried to date a woman I wouldn't want to know FULL well that she is "settling" for me.