The U.S. government declares ferret poop to be an effective weapon against drug abuse

[dannyboy]

Hide your old pills in poo, says U.S. government (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071108/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_drugs_poop;_ylt=AjBJrII1P8DRx5cl4eFEdgvti BIF)

Wed Nov 7, 8:05 PM ET



Got some leftover drugs -- the kind that someone else might want to use, such as painkillers or stimulants? Wrap them up in used kitty litter or other pet droppings, the government advises.

A pilot program at the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration is looking at ways people can safely dispose of unused prescription drugs that are liable to be abused.

The Food and Drug Administration recommends flushing some of the most dangerous ones down the toilet, including the strong, addictive painkillers oxycodone and fentanyl and stimulants such as methylphenidate.

But environmentalists worry about the effects on fish and amphibians.

On its Web site at http://www.samhsa.gov/rxsafety/, SAMHSA recommends ways to disguise leftover pills.

"Mixing prescription drugs with an undesirable substance, such as used coffee grounds or kitty litter, and putting them in impermeable, nondescript containers, such as empty cans or sealable bags, will further ensure the drugs are not diverted," it says.

Of course some people do not drink coffee. But maybe they have a pet ferret.

"Ferret waste, like nearly any other form of pet waste, can be effectively used to help prevent the abuse of unused prescription drugs," SAMHSA spokesman Mark Weber said.

This news delighted the American Ferret Association.

"The U.S. government declares ferret poop to be an effective weapon against drug abuse," the group said in a statement.

SAMHSA said the problem is no joke.

"One in five teens reports intentionally misusing someone else's prescription drugs to get high. Nearly half say they get the medications from friends and relatives for free," it says in a statement.

Dr. Ilene Ruhoy of the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, studied leftover pharmaceuticals found in the homes of 473 people who died in 2006. She found 3,562 controlled substances, or an average of nearly eight per person.

More than half were hydrocodone painkiller products, while the rest were oxycodone, morphine or fentanyl.

[frizgolf]

Of course, we wouldn't want to hide drugs in human poop, since that can be used to get high now, eh?

[markalot]

Crappy journalism.

[miami2112]

*paging shlep*

[classicgrrl]

Ferrets....

http://www.browardferretrescue.org/3ferrets.jpg


...and their poop

http://www.fordlemon.com/homepage_files/billhorseshit_poop.jpg

[berserkr1979]

I want to know who comes up with this shit...

[purple_octopus]

Ferret poop is an effective weapon against anything. I'm surprised that the US military hasn't been begging for our support for their efforts in Iraq.

[Shlep]

I want to know who comes up with this shit...

As someone who has owned two ferrets and been the-- for lack of a batter term-- "legal guardian" of yet a third, I assure you that this is hardly as cockamamie as it sounds. My lovely wife will, with little urging, back me up vociferously.

There is no substance on Earth I've encountered that is as toxic, as vile, and as likely to disincline *ANYONE* to approach that ferret poo.

I agree that we could probably break the will of the insurgency if we deployed it in out operations to stabilize the country. For a minimal cost, we could arm standard line infantry units with catapults and trebouchets and sealed containers of ferret poo. Such a force, backed by US Marines and elite, highly-mobile Army Rangers and Airborne troopers with bags of ferret poo and a few crates of those cheap water-balloon slingshots you can get at Wal-Mart could send every insurgent (regardless of tribal, sectarian, or political affiliation) fleeing in terror under a withering hail of fresh, stinky ferret poo.

In a week, the "Green Zone" could not only be made as safe and secure as Dick Cheney would like to claim-- except that he'd crack up laughing, which would probably break his face-- but be expanded considerably. The "Ferret Zone" could probably gentle up a swath of real estate stretching from Damascus to Kabul.

The downside: human rights groups would call it a war crime and demand we use something more humane, like sarin or VX nerve gas. Besides, it'd be hard to counter accusations of hypocrisy; considering what can be made from molds, spores, and the like...letting the "ferret poop" genie out of the bottle could threaten mankind.

Come to think of it: whatever the hell it was Saddam dropped on Halabja to kill the Kurds (one of the things we tried hanging him for, unless I miss my guess) was made out of poop from the common bee. I'll bet he had hidden stores of ferret poop that he was waiting to have his top scientists go to work weaponizing once the international heat let up. How would it look if *WE* used it against Iraqis?

BUt I digress...

...I don't give a fuck what it is and who's addicted to it; wrap in ferret poop, and nobody will touch it. Ewan MacGregors' Scottish junkie reprobate from Trainspotting would not only rather dive back into that toilet, but gargle with the contents, before trying to extricate some high-grade smack from a back of ferret 'doo.

Plus, it's plentiful...something else every ferret owner knows. A weeks' worth of Seamus' usual output would put the Medellin Cartel out of business.

If we could train a cadre of attack ferrets raised by breeders-- and thus, *NOT* de-scented-- who could be trained to musk on anyone who might try jacking a shipment of drugs en route to being encased in poop...good-bye "War On Drugs."

Besides all that: iIt'd be the cutest darned solution to a social pathology ever devised. :D :D :D




So: I ask all concerned Woxyians to send *ME* your drugs immediately! I'll see to it...heehheeeheee...I'll see it to it that they....*snort!* hehehe...get disposed of in a responsible manner with the help of my ferret! :D :cool:

[seamus]

oh for crying out loud, please don't tell me anyone is going to take that fool seriously and him any drugs. he can't remember jack shit when he's stone-cold sober; when he tokes up, he has the attention span of...well, my three brothers, when they escaped from the cage we were in at the pet store, made it as far as the starbucks, and got into the expresso beans. i tell you, i shook my paw at god and cursed his name for not giving me opposable thumbs that i might strangle myself to death.

so don't.

send them to *me*. oh, and I hear that dealers are getting inner-city pre-schoolers with high self-esteem hooked on some new drugs that use gourmet ferret food as a precursor. one example of this hateful substance and threat to our children (well, your children, but i still think of them...dammit, i care!) is shown below:

http://www.kaytee.com/images/large/42652_200.jpg

for reasons which science cannot yet explain and which do not concern me, only the good stuff works...that $1.29 generic shit cat food that i wouldn't even feed those two stupid dogs down the hall who tried eating *me* at least twice and which that bastard shlep dumps in my bowl daily-- won't do.

i encourage all socially-responsible people to buy as much of this stuff as they can (depleting the stocks, you see) and send them to me. i'd do it, but sadly i am precluded by discriminatory lending practices from getting a signature line of credit. it's always the same shit: "you're a ferret!" "you don't have a job or a fixed address!!" "your only collateral is a chewed-on food dish and a little ball with a jingly-thing in the middle with ferret spit on it!" a brother can't get a break in this country...

...anyway, hop to it, people. you all talk a good game, start walkin' it. i hear al gore approves, and bush hates does not!!

[patio]

I intubated a ferret a month or two ago. We use them to practice for intubating newborns. Something about not letting us practice on human newborns, can't imagine why...

[frizgolf]

Shlep, you're just plain nuckin futs, ya know that?

Don't change. :cool:

[DaHood]

Shlep, you're just plain nuckin futs, ya know that?

Don't change. :cool:No shit. I love it! :D :cool:

[dry-gulcher]

Come to think of it they're on to something here, I know that I have never smoked a joint with black-footed ferret poop in it.

God knows how many times I've tried. ;)