a short story by neil gaiman

[yoshomon]

A few years back all the animals went away.

We woke up one morning, and they just weren't there anymore. They didn't leave us a note, or say good-bye. We never figured out quite where they'd gone.

We missed them.

Some of us thought that the world had ended, but it hadn't. There just weren't any more animals. No cats or rabbits, no dogs or whales, no fish in the seas, no bird in the skies.

We were all alone.

We didn't know what to do.

We wandered around lost, for a time, and then someone pointed out that just because we didn't have animals anymore, that was no reason to change our lives. No reason to change our diets or to cease testing products that might cause us harm.

After all, there were still babies.

Babies can't talk. They can hardly move. A baby is not a rational, thinking creature.

We made babies.

And we used them.

Some of them we ate. Baby flesh is tender and succulent.

We flayed their skin and decorated ourselves in it. Baby leather is soft and comfortable.

Some of them we tested.

We taped open their eyes, dripped detergents and shampoos in, a drop at a time.

We scarred them and scalded them. We burnt them. We clamped them and planted electrodes into their brains. We grafted, and we froze, and we irradiated.

The babies breathed our smoke, and the babies' veins flowed with our medicines and drugs, until they stopped breathing or until their blood ceased to flow.

It was hard, of course, but it was necessary.

No one could deny that.

With the animals gone, what else could we do?

Some people complained, of course. But then, they always do.

And everything went back to normal.

Only...

Yesterday, all the babies were gone.

We don't know where they went. We didn't even see them go.

We don't know what we're going to do without them.

But we'll think of something. Humans are smart. It's what makes us superior to the animals and the babies.

We'll figure something out.

[asscobra]

ASSCO.....Oh, never mind.



*yawn*

[skidminix]

I'm a big Neil Gaiman fan, but that one never did much for me. Too similar to Swift.

[mistergugi]

If all the animals left, then there'd be no bees to pollinate our plants.



Oh, sorry. Wrong thread.

[The Big Crunch]

Whatever...crap story. Such a lack of subletly, such a beat-you-over-the-head aesthetic, such a tired trip to try and "shock" the reader (really, can any of us be "shocked" anymore)...crappy crappy crap crap. I've pooped better stories on a hang over.

I wonder how many folks in the world have loved ones who's lives were saved due to drug testing on animals. I know I wouldn't have a father anymore if it weren't for animal testing. Call me callous, but I'll take my dad over mice in a lab anyday. :rolleyes:

[skidminix]

Yeah, it's pretty junior-high-ish. Thankfully most of the rest of his writing isn't like that.

[yoshomon]

I wonder how many folks in the world have loved ones who's lives were saved due to drug testing on animals. I know I wouldn't have a father anymore if it weren't for animal testing. Call me callous, but I'll take my dad over mice in a lab anyday. :rolleyes:

...or how many people in the world lost loved ones because drugs like the Polio Vaccine were delayed by false information from animal testing? This story isn't very well written, but your scenario of a mouse's life vs. your dad's life isn't an accurate look at vivisection at all.

[BigSugar]

he's right on one point though.......baby flesh is very tender.....and succulent. i like mine with a nice cranberry/dijon glaze.

[Dirk]

I would like to point out that Neil Gaiman loves a well-cooked steak and is rarely seen not wearing a leather jacket. It's a nice story, not a life lesson.

[DaHood]

Baby au Poivre:

2 (12 to 16-ounce) boneless New York cut babies, tenderized
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
Coarsely ground black pepper, to cover both sides of baby
Olive oil, for sauteing
Salt, to taste
Mushroom, Green Peppercorn, and Dijon sauce:
4 tablespoons whole, unsalted butter
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup shallots, minced
8 ounces white mushrooms, sliced
1 cup baby stock
1/4 cup whipping cream
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons green peppercorns, packed in brine
Salt


Use a meat mallet to slightly reduce the thickness of each baby. Spread both sides of each baby with a thin coating of Dijon mustard. Sprinkle with salt and cover both sides with coarsely ground black pepper. Heat olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat and cook the babies 3 to 4 minutes on each side. The babies should be rare at this point. Set them aside and lightly cover them so they stay warm. Do not wash out the pan.

Mushroom, Green Peppercorn and Dijon sauce:
Heat the butter in a medium sized saute pan over medium-high heat and saute the garlic and shallots for approximately 1 minute. Add the mushrooms, raise the heat to high, and cook for an additional 5 minutes. Add beef stock, cream, and mustard, and then reduce the sauce by 1/2.

Once the sauce is made, reheat the skillet, in which the babies were cooked, to medium-high heat. Add the babies and cook for another 2 minutes on each side for a medium-rare baby. Transfer the babies to dinner plates, which have been coated with the mushroom Dijon sauce. Once you plate the babies, spoon more of the sauce on top of each baby.

Serve with Pommes Frites, Aioli, and Vegetable Relish.

[The Big Crunch]

...or how many people in the world lost loved ones because drugs like the Polio Vaccine were delayed by false information from animal testing? This story isn't very well written, but your scenario of a mouse's life vs. your dad's life isn't an accurate look at vivisection at all.
Or how many lives were lost because there was NO vaccine? :rolleyes:

No, my analysis actually gets to one of the main points of the argument, it is valid, and IMO bluntly stands against one of the main issues behind the more vocal (and extreme) elements in the animal rights movement.

[BigSugar]

Baby au Poivre:

2 (12 to 16-ounce) boneless New York cut babies, tenderized
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
Coarsely ground black pepper, to cover both sides of baby
Olive oil, for sauteing
Salt, to taste
Mushroom, Green Peppercorn, and Dijon sauce:
4 tablespoons whole, unsalted butter
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup shallots, minced
8 ounces white mushrooms, sliced
1 cup baby stock
1/4 cup whipping cream
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons green peppercorns, packed in brine
Salt


Use a meat mallet to slightly reduce the thickness of each baby. Spread both sides of each baby with a thin coating of Dijon mustard. Sprinkle with salt and cover both sides with coarsely ground black pepper. Heat olive oil in a large, heavy skillet over medium-high heat and cook the babies 3 to 4 minutes on each side. The babies should be rare at this point. Set them aside and lightly cover them so they stay warm. Do not wash out the pan.

Mushroom, Green Peppercorn and Dijon sauce:
Heat the butter in a medium sized saute pan over medium-high heat and saute the garlic and shallots for approximately 1 minute. Add the mushrooms, raise the heat to high, and cook for an additional 5 minutes. Add beef stock, cream, and mustard, and then reduce the sauce by 1/2.

Once the sauce is made, reheat the skillet, in which the babies were cooked, to medium-high heat. Add the babies and cook for another 2 minutes on each side for a medium-rare baby. Transfer the babies to dinner plates, which have been coated with the mushroom Dijon sauce. Once you plate the babies, spoon more of the sauce on top of each baby.

Serve with Pommes Frites, Aioli, and Vegetable Relish.

Damn you Hood!!! i'm still at work, and now i'm starving for some fresh, succulent baby!!! arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!

[The_Deacon]

I love babies...

[Mr. Mystery]

To be fair to the original post, product testing such as cosmetics is pretty unnecessary when you see how many consumer-safe and usable products are on the market that don't use animal testing. Makes me wonder why the others do.

[Sushi]

While I'm a lifelong vegetarian and agree on principle, the Gaiman story is, as others have said, unsubtle and not his best writing. But in a similar vein, I got this press release from the Yes Men today.

The Yes Men are Fucking Awesome.

June 14, 2007
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

EXXON PROPOSES BURNING HUMANITY FOR FUEL IF CLIMATE CALAMITY HITS
Conference organizer fails to have Yes Men arrested

Text of speech, photos, video: http://www.vivoleum.com/event/
GO-EXPO statement:
http://newswire.ca/en/releases/archive/June2007/14/c5086.html
Press conference before this event, Friday, Calgary:
http://arusha.org/event/7214
Contact: fuel@theyesmen.org
More links at end of release.

Imposters posing as ExxonMobil and National Petroleum Council (NPC) representatives delivered an outrageous keynote speech to 300 oilmen at GO-EXPO, Canada's largest oil conference, held at Stampede Park in Calgary, Alberta, today.

The speech was billed beforehand by the GO-EXPO organizers as the
major highlight of this year's conference, which had 20,000
attendees. In it, the "NPC rep" was expected to deliver the long-awaited conclusions of a study commissioned by US Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman. The NPC is headed by former ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond, who is also the chair of the study. (See link at end.)

In the actual speech, the "NPC rep" announced that current U.S. and
Canadian energy policies (notably the massive, carbon-intensive
exploitation of Alberta's oil sands, and the development of liquid
coal) are increasing the chances of huge global calamities. But he
reassured the audience that in the worst case scenario, the oil
industry could "keep fuel flowing" by transforming the billions of
people who die into oil.

"We need something like whales, but infinitely more abundant," said
"NPC rep" "Shepard Wolff" (actually Andy Bichlbaum of the Yes Men),
before describing the technology used to render human flesh into a
new Exxon oil product called Vivoleum. 3-D animations of the process
brought it to life.

"Vivoleum works in perfect synergy with the continued expansion of
fossil fuel production," noted "Exxon rep" "Florian Osenberg" (Yes
Man Mike Bonanno). "With more fossil fuels comes a greater chance of disaster, but that means more feedstock for Vivoleum. Fuel will
continue to flow for those of us left."

The oilmen listened to the lecture with attention, and then lit
"commemorative candles" supposedly made of Vivoleum obtained from the flesh of an "Exxon janitor" who died as a result of cleaning up a toxic spill. The audience only reacted when the janitor, in a video
tribute, announced that he wished to be transformed into candles
after his death, and all became crystal-clear.

At that point, Simon Mellor, Commercial & Business Development
Director for the company putting on the event, strode up and
physically forced the Yes Men from the stage. As Mellor escorted
Bonanno out the door, a dozen journalists surrounded Bichlbaum, who, still in character as "Shepard Wolff," explained to them the
rationale for Vivoleum.

"We've got to get ready. After all, fossil fuel development like that
of my company is increasing the chances of catastrophic climate
change, which could lead to massive calamities, causing migration and
conflicts that would likely disable the pipelines and oil wells.
Without oil we could no longer produce or transport food, and most of humanity would starve. That would be a tragedy, but at least all
those bodies could be turned into fuel for the rest of us."

"We're not talking about killing anyone," added the "NPC rep." "We're
talking about using them after nature has done the hard work. After
all, 150,000 people already die from climate-change related effects
every year. That's only going to go up - maybe way, way up. Will it
all go to waste? That would be cruel."

Security guards then dragged Bichlbaum away from the reporters, and
he and Bonanno were detained until Calgary Police Service officers
could arrive. The policemen, determining that no major infractions
had been committed, permitted the Yes Men to leave.

Canada's oil sands, along with "liquid coal," are keystones of Bush's
Energy Security plan. Mining the oil sands is one of the dirtiest
forms of oil production and has turned Canada into one of the world's
worst carbon emitters. The production of "liquid coal" has twice the
carbon footprint as that of ordinary gasoline. Such technologies
increase the likelihood of massive climate catastrophes that will
condemn to death untold millions of people, mainly poor.

"If our idea of energy security is to increase the chances of climate
calamity, we have a very funny sense of what security really is,"
Bonanno said. "While ExxonMobil continues to post record profits,
they use their money to persuade governments to do nothing about
climate change. This is a crime against humanity."

"Putting the former Exxon CEO in charge of the NPC, and soliciting
his advice on our energy future, is like putting the wolf in charge
of the flock," said "Shepard Wolff" (Bichlbaum). "Exxon has done more damage to the environment and to our chances of survival than any other company on earth. Why should we let them determine our future?"

About the NPC and ExxonMobil:
http://ga3.org/campaign/lee_raymond/explanation
About the Alberta oil sands: http://www.sierraclub.ca/prairie/tarnation.htm
About liquid coal: http://www.sierraclub.org/coal/liquidcoal/

[Shlep]

"Baby! The *OTHER* Other White Meat!!"

Care fer a tune over dinner?

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/76/Fat_bastard_APTSWSM.jpg

[Shlep]

A few years back all the animals went away.

We woke up one morning, and they just weren't there anymore. They didn't leave us a note, or say good-bye. We never figured out quite where they'd gone.

We missed them.

Some of us thought that the world had ended, but it hadn't. There just weren't any more animals. No cats or rabbits, no dogs or whales, no fish in the seas, no bird in the skies.

We were all alone.

We didn't know what to do.

The story should be over right here. You don't need to be a tree-hugger to know that animals are vital to ecological health of Earth.

We wandered around lost, for a time, and then someone pointed out that just because we didn't have animals anymore, that was no reason to change our lives. No reason to change our diets or to cease testing products that might cause us harm.

After all, there were still babies.

Some of them we ate. Baby flesh is tender and succulent.

Alas, it wasn't until this point that someone mentioned tofu and soy burgers. We slapped ourselves on the forehead and, in unison, yelled "FUCK!!"

We flayed their skin and decorated ourselves in it. Baby leather is soft and comfortable.

Hey fellas...uhhh...what about naugahyde?

FUCK!!!

Some of them we tested.
We taped open their eyes, dripped detergents and shampoos in, a drop at a time.

We scarred them and scalded them. We burnt them. We clamped them and planted electrodes into their brains. We grafted, and we froze, and we irradiated.

The babies breathed our smoke, and the babies' veins flowed with our medicines and drugs, until they stopped breathing or until their blood ceased to flow.

It was hard, of course, but it was necessary.

No one could deny that.

Hey! Check it out! This biological modelling software is the shit!!

FUCK!!!!!

FUCK!!!!!

FUCK!!!

[ICONOCLAST420]

Fucking Score!
http://www.discoversevilla.com/image/53.jpg

[yoshomon]

a quick thought on animal testing...

If there was one non-human species that was consistently similar to humans as far as drug reactions and such go, why do vivisectors experiment on so many species? Dogs, rabbits, mice, rats, primates, sheep, fish, birds, etc are all used in experiments, and they all react to drugs and stress differently (and of course humans differently than all of them!).

[Shlep]

a quick thought on animal testing...

If there was one non-human species that was consistently similar to humans as far as drug reactions and such go..

What about pigs? They get used all the time for all sorts of experiments because for whatever reason, they're reactions to everything from drugs to skin grafts to organ replacement surgery.

...why do vivisectors experiment on so many species? Dogs, rabbits, mice, rats, primates, sheep, fish, birds, etc are all used in experiments, and they all react to drugs and stress differently (and of course humans differently than all of them!).

I was under the impression that different animals have different qualities which suit them better for some tests then others

[yoshomon]

What about pigs? They get used all the time for all sorts of experiments because for whatever reason, they're reactions to everything from drugs to skin grafts to organ replacement surgery.

I was under the impression that different animals have different qualities which suit them better for some tests then others

While pigs are used in vivisection, rodents, primates, and beagles are used far more often. I know that beagles are used in tests because they're naturally timid and don't bite or attack vivisectors, but I don't think that's what you mean by "suited better for tests".