Haggard now "completely heterosexual"

[kitsune]

DENVER - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070206/ap_on_re_us/haggard_sex_allegations;_ylt=AmnsodxroLfu46AI4CA2G qus0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3OTB1amhuBHNlYwNtdHM-) (reprogramming/brainwashing) for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

"If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly," he said. "We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened."

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

[drougan]

I so thought this thread was about Merl Haggard at first. :o

[jcarwash31]

You are now completely heterosexual. Now would you please leave the state.

Good stuff.

[silentpaul]

Are they studying psychology for the betterment of others or themselves?

[jneale]

Yea – dance a twinkie dusted in meth in front of him & lets see how long he keeps his shirt on….

[upwithpeople]

Video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2VW1E3pRI8) of Ted Haggard's miraculous victory over the unrelenting homosexual cabal and his glorious return to the fold. Also, his second lapse into homosinuality and his re-return to the fold. Plus, bonus footage of the lapse he has planned for August.

[kitsune]

Yea – dance a twinkie dusted in meth in front of him & lets see how long he keeps his shirt on….
I find it funny that he wants to move to Missouri, a state that has one of the worst Meth problems in the Union...

[kitsune]

Pray Away the Gay the Ted Haggard Way! (https://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=49487)

[Slar]

I so thought this thread was about Merl Haggard at first. :oHeh. I misread Hagar.

[Breeze]

Heh. I misread Hagar.

http://membres.lycos.fr/hagar/images2/hagar_epee.jpg

[joebob]

I actually thought it was about my pants. They always get frisky with my genitalia. If it were true that they weren't gay, I'd be more comfortable with that.

[Duemellon]

So, the church is able to cure his homosexuality but I notice no announcement of his meth-problem.

[joebob]

So, the church is able to cure his homosexuality but I notice no announcement of his meth-problem.
I know! I'm extremely surprised they didn't take the tack that drug users are all gay, and then cure his addiction by the route that didn't make them the laughing stock of the nature/nurture debate these many decades.

[Homsar]

So, the church is able to cure his homosexuality but I notice no announcement of his meth-problem.
Look at me, stirrin up shit!
So you're saying homosexuality is a disease? Explain.

[SheepNutz]

Yeah right, he'll be doin' meth with nekkid lads in no time!

[Buzzstein]

http://membres.lycos.fr/hagar/images2/hagar_epee.jpg

Darn. I thought this thread was gonna be about Haggard the Horrible.

[djudge79]

what a joke! 'conversion' or 'reparative' therapy or whatever you want to call it is such a scam. i'll believe in creationism before i buy into this bullshit. any 'therapy' that is built around shame is no therapy at all.
Are they studying psychology for the betterment of others or themselves?
either way, this frightens me.

[mikeatthemadfro]

well, the earth IS 6000 years old, uhmerica is winning against the evil arabs, and homosexuals are being "cured"... being an evangelical is SO awesome...

[twentyshots]

could this be more absurd?

[djudge79]

Are they studying psychology for the betterment of others or themselves?
you know, i thought about this and i hope they do study some psychology. it'll be a race to the finish between him and his wife to see who's the first to realize, 'Shit, Ted Haggard actually is homosexual.'

[classicgrrl]

could this be more absurd?

you really want to ask that question?

[classicgrrl]

what a joke! 'conversion' or 'reparative' therapy or whatever you want to call it is such a scam. i'll believe in creationism before i buy into this bullshit. any 'therapy' that is built around shame is no therapy at all.

either way, this frightens me.


truthfully, it's an embarrassment to the human race.

[twentyshots]

you really want to ask that question?
now that i think about it............no.

[Duemellon]

So you're saying homosexuality is a disease? Explain.You should really ask them, you pretty boy you.

I know the way you stare at 4t2 at the parties with that certain ... je'n ca qui, or whatever in your eye.

[Shlep]

And here *I* thought this had to do with the Haggar clothing company. I mean, their slacks are...let's be a honest...kinda "gay."

http://dave-and.nihongonauts.com/img_jrnl/haggar%20slacks%20for%20website.jpg

I mean...look at this! It screams "fruity!"

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

So...he's not *really* gay, just kind of an acutely homo sorta guy? I wonder how well this line of reasoning would work in court?

"Your Honor, my client is not a murderer. Rather, his inclination towards serial-killing manifested himself in the acting-out situations where things took place and people got brutally slaughtered. It wasn't a constant thing, especially the cannabilism part. That only happened two or three times."

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

"If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly," he said. "We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened."

Yeah, people would be flocking to the church elders to admit to being involved in a gay tryst with a closeted priest if it happened.

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

Booted out of the church *he* founded! Ouch! You'd think as the founder he could justify what happened and get over.

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology.

"I was thinking of doing my graduate thesis on people who think being gay is worse than than being an adulterer addicted to hard drugs and can be cured with a brief course of therapy followed by running them out of town." said Haggard. "I mean, there's so much stuff to be covered there, it practically writes itself!"

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

"We forgive you. Now, get out of our sight and inflict your presence upon us no more, sinner...I mean, *reformed* sinner!"

"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed."

Ware further added: "Plus, it's near Boulder, which is full of hippies, liberals, and of course flaming homos. You don't treat alcoholism by moving next door to a bar, you know!"

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

"Haggard stated he is currently exploring his options in the fashion, hairstyling, interior design and hospitality industries."

[juggles]

Now I'm confused. Does this mean his is or is not up the the Snickers endorsement?

[jps]

this news is a real load off my mind i can tell you that... i was beginning to lose all faith in the spiritual leaders of the world. but nows he's straight. excellent.

i'm reminded of the movie heathers...

"i love my dead gay son!"

thats what god would have said if ted haggard had died... just before he banished him to hell for being gay.

[Predot listener]

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

This was my favorite part of this entire heartwarming story. I can just picture the oversight board dropping Haggard off at the county line and saying, "If we catch you in these parts again, formerly gay man, we's gonna shoots ya."

[yoshomon]

I think I'm going to start a program to cure people of their heterosexuality, and then kill all the people who fail the program to prevent them from spreading the hetero-STD via childbirth. You straight fuckers are gross, and you've moreorless ruined the world. Go queer or die.

[Homsar]

You should really ask them, you pretty boy you.

I know the way you stare at 4t2 at the parties with that certain ... je'n ca qui, or whatever in your eye.
Yeah, I don't know what it is either. And it scares me.

[weeone]

I think I'm going to start a program to cure people of their heterosexuality, and then kill all the people who fail the program to prevent them from spreading the hetero-STD via childbirth. You straight fuckers are gross, and you've moreorless ruined the world. Go queer or die.
Can we at least sterilize ourselves and just have fruitless penis/vagina sex ?

[kitsune]

So...he's not *really* gay, just kind of an acutely homo sorta guy? I wonder how well this line of reasoning would work in court?

"Your Honor, my client is not a murderer. Rather, his inclination towards serial-killing manifested himself in the acting-out situations where things took place and people got brutally slaughtered. It wasn't a constant thing, especially the cannabilism part. That only happened two or three times."
Sure I had sex with a man, but it was just a prostitute and I only did it for the drugs. Somehow, if you look up homosexual in the dictionary, I don't think it'll say "unless it's just one guy, then you're not gay."

"I was thinking of doing my graduate thesis on people who think being gay is worse than than being an adulterer addicted to hard drugs and can be cured with a brief course of therapy followed by running them out of town." said Haggard. "I mean, there's so much stuff to be covered there, it practically writes itself!"
A great quote from Mike Nichols: "Take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, and terrified citizens will phone the police and report: 'There's a naked person outside!'" Now if they could just cure him from being an asshole.

Ware further added: "Plus, it's near Boulder, which is full of hippies, liberals, and of course flaming homos. You don't treat alcoholism by moving next door to a bar, you know!"
Or moving to Missouri to kick a meth habbit... Oh wait...

I won't go so far as to say he's lying about being converted, I don't think it's my place to tell someone else I know him better than he knows himself. What bugs me is the mindset which holds that since changing one's orientation is possible, it's obligatory. If Haggard keeps up this straight thing, he's going to use it to tell gay people they all should convert, and that's where the real smacking commences. I can't wait to see how many tearful, graphic speeches he gives about all the stuff he did. Because if you can't suck cock, the next best thing is thinking about and talking about sucking cock as much as possible. To be fair though he might not be fully gay either, there are sexual orientations in between.

[Duemellon]

Uhm... I know the gag has been done before, but honestly speaking, I really did think this was about that giant in the Harry Potter books boning some large amazon for the last book & proving his machismo & making the transition through the rite of passage known as "getting some".

I was prepared to be outraged that such an idea would be in a book; That the concept of "sex makes men" was going to be a part of it.

But oh well, I have a new thing to cringe at instead.

[Shlep]

Because if you can't suck cock, the next best thing is thinking about and talking about sucking cock as much as possible.

As true today as it was when my Kindergarten teacher said it to me and the rest of the class. Numerous times, as I recall. Right up to the day the police and the counselors showed up. Boy, that was a strange time indeed.

[epeolatry]

but they encouraged him to find work in the SECULAR world.

bitch, please. he's not straight. he might not be gay, but he's not straight either.

[WalterSobchak]

I so thought this thread was about Merl Haggard at first. :o
Merle don't make no party out of lovin'.

[Slar]

but they encouraged him to find work in the SECULAR world.

bitch, please. he's not straight. he might not be gay, but he's not straight either.And MAYBE the secular world doesn't want him either. Might give secularists a bad name.

[classicgrrl]

bitch, please. he's not straight. he might not be gay, but he's not straight either.

amen, I've thought this all along.

he's a gay married man. just like about 8-10% of the other married man in the world. :p


PS: 20% of the worlds population is gay. I'll have to go home tonight and find the book where I read that...

[silentpaul]

20% of the worlds population is gay.
Check four friends. If they're straight... ;)

[Duemellon]

I just realized something...
If he was being healed by some "faith healers" wouldn't they come up to him, touch him with their hands, & he shakes & cries out to God in a state of extascy?

I think he might go back for more therapy...

[kitsune]

I just realized something...
If he was being healed by some "faith healers" wouldn't they come up to him, touch him with their hands, & he shakes & cries out to God in a state of extascy?

I think he might go back for more therapy...
I think it completely depends on where they touch him, like say, somewhere around the prostate.

[drougan]

I think it completely depends on were they touch him, like say, somewhere around the prostate.


Well, that would be one way of getting the "evil demon" out......

[yoshomon]

20% of the worlds population is gay. I'll have to go home tonight and find the book where I read that...

Less than 20% of the population currently control wealth and political power, so it shouldn't be too hard to rule over your hetero mother fuckers.

Pucker up straight boys.

[Jumpman]

Less than 20% of the population currently control wealth and political power, so it shouldn't be too hard to rule over your hetero mother fuckers.

Yep, it's the lesbian dentist cartel!

[WalterSobchak]

Yep, it's the lesbian dentist cartel!
We have this and I get the old guy with shaky hands? Hmm.

[Jumpman]

Just be glad you don't have this guy.

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/terrywc/little-shop-b.jpg

[Homsar]

PS: 20% of the worlds population is gay. I'll have to go home tonight and find the book where I read that...
For some reason, I have difficulty believing even the 10% estimate.

[kitsune]

Daily Show had a good segment on it.

"What kind of therapy did they give him? Remember when your dad caught you smoking and he decided to make you smoke an entire carton?"