Might I request an "it'll be fine" from my fellow artists?

[redmeg8]

Hi guys,
I made a huge decision over the past few weeks to leave my PhD program (anatomy) and return to my life as a medical/bio illustrator.

I know it's my "calling" and I don't want to hide in the safety of school anymore (freelancing scared me big time). I never gave illustration my 110% all and when I'm older and toward the "end" of things, I KNOW that what I want to be remembered for is my art not some degree.

So, as much as that sounds staunch and that I'm sure of myself, I'm still scared shitless right now. I just wanted to reach out and communicate to some of my fellow creative types.

I'm so glad this forum happened.
:)

[ohmikeodd]

Your illustrations Rawk!!! You'll be fine...

[Emperor Wog]

You'll be fine...and happier!

[uselesstomato]

all will be well fellow artist.

i graduated with a design degree, and im currently looking for a job. but i think i've made a similar disician.

i start getting more serious about working on my music, and getting my stuff out there. getting a website together, saving money to produce CD's and such.

and im also gonna work on getting my animation out, and work on a new one.

i want to do more than just work a regular design job. like you , i want to be rememberd for my art, and in my case... my music.

good luck to you, it will be grand. but being scared, in my opinion, is quite natural

[specialk]

it's not an easy decision, but it's one that will make you much happier in the long run. good luck!

[72valiant]

degrees and money ain't livin'. art is livin'.

[redmeg8]

Thanks guys.
Sigh.

Sooo much to do!
It IS exciting, I must admit.

My feelings seem to change by the hour, honestly.

I guess I'll feel a lot better once I completely sever ties with my school. Closure, and all that. I just don't feel like facing anybody there. I wish I could just fall of the face of the earth as far as that place is concerned.

But, it's not like me to burn bridges. So...
<hard swallow>

[Sushi]

RedMeg,
It will be fine. I cut my hours in half at work last year to do more freelancing work (writing and editing) and to concentrate more on my fiction writing. I had always felt as though I had never really given myself the chance to just write--even in a grad school writing program, I was always worried about keeping my assistantship and paying my bills. The writing kept coming in second or third place. Since I made the decision to focus more on my art (i.e., writing) and my independent career, I've had a short story accepted by a major fictional journal and a couple of freelance clients just drop out of the sky at me. All the events of the past year have made me realize I made the right decision.

I think the scariest part of this is saying: "My art is worth this time." It feels presumptuous, but it's not. It's committing yourself to what you love best and what you do best.

It will be fine. It will be great (there might be moments of fear or doubt in there, but accept that you'll get those moment just like some days it's gonna rain and some days the sun will shine). Good luck.

Love,
Sushi

[eighty]

You only live once, it's better to live doing the things you love. :)

[JSpaceman]

Good luck in your new path, Meg. :)

[redmeg8]

Jesus - I really feel like I'm going to puke.
I can't stop obsessing about going into school and dropping the guantlet.
:(

[eighty]

Jesus - I really feel like I'm going to puke.
I can't stop obsessing about going into school and dropping the guantlet.
:(
Try to relax, feeling like that just means you're a responsible person, I'd be freaked out too. In the end it sounds like it will be the right thing for you though, so take heart. ;)

[wasylycia]

in situations like these, i find it best to dance. you always realize what you should do half way into your dance, and when you do come to your conclusion, your so happy that all you can think to do is continue dancing. this technique has helped me out on several occasions. truly, truly, truly, truly, from the bottom of my heart, do your thing.

[DaHood]

Has to be more exciting that my job which is in manufacturing robotics and computer control systems.

[uselesstomato]

in situations like these, i find it best to dance. you always realize what you should do half way into your dance, and when you do come to your conclusion, your so happy that all you can think to do is continue dancing. this technique has helped me out on several occasions. truly, truly, truly, truly, from the bottom of my heart, do your thing.


i really really like this.

if you ever see "in situations like these i find it best to dance" quoted in one of my works, be it music or animation or art...feel free to sue me. it'll be an honor :p

[REMgirl]

Megan, your work is exemplary. You know you're good and you've been recognized for your talent. It seems inevitable that you would strike out on your own and make a name for yourself in the wide world of art.

It's a scary thing to do, but I know just from reading you here and seeing what you've done that you can do this.

When you make a living doing what you love, your life will open up like magic. You'll find that you are working harder and enjoying yourself more than ever.

Be brave! You can do this!

Donna

[Jumpman]

It's funny, because my dad did the opposite thing from what you are doing. He wanted to be a medical illustrator and went to UC as a fine arts major and then joined the Navy and later became a businessman. I wish he had followed through with art. He's a decent businessman, but he was and still is incredibly talented, but is now totally caught up in the rat race of selling insurance. You live that dream, because we all know too many people that haven't. Even if it doesn't work out (which it will) at least you can say you went for it, and you'll never regret that. That's why I went back to get my PhD, which seems to be incidentally exactly what you don't want to be doing. But then, I have little artistic talent.

Best of Luck!

[redmeg8]

You guys really are a compendium of excellent advice and support! This rocks!! :)

I dropped the gauntlet yesterday and it went ok. It was hard and I shed some tears, but all in all, it was fine. And it's done.

At least, for the most part. The school is being difficult since I was on a tution waiver and want to charge me for tuition if I withdraw right now. If I stay enrolled (and receive failing grades because I'm sure as hell NOT going back to class) I can avoid it.

So, for the first time in my life, I think I'm going to willfully fail two classes (that I was passing just fine, incidentally). I have no idea if this is a mistake that will bite me in the ass later, or not. I'm willing to take that risk.

In fact, I've realized today (my 1st day at home getting everything in order) that this adversity is making me VERY driven to succeed. Perhaps that's why it's happening. Fine by me. I love this feeling.

And, wasylycia, dancing I shall do. And, actually, I DID dance my butt off the other afternoon when I knew my heart wasn't going to be afraid and was going to see me through this.

Thanks again, guys. :)

[redmeg8]

Back again. Needing some propping up yet again. Sigh.
To update first (please read back to the beginning, if you wanna know what the hell I'm talking about): I didn't quit school (grad school in science). I was asked to stick with it another semester, and I did that.

Now: I hit another wall. Same feelings as before, but this time the stress has begun to effect my health in a major way. And my concerns and mental/emotional issues aren't going away.

I don't know what to do. I spilled my feelings to the post-doc in my lab and that went well. He advised me to take the week off and think things over before I meet with the big-wigs. So, I'm in the middle of that. Yesterday, it felt great and most of today too... taking the week to be at home, doing art and thinking about all of the decisions and possibilities.

But tonite, I started to doubt myself. Staying in school might be ok... it won't take THAT long and what a kick-ass credential to have in a few years, right? But, my health???!? Could I handle another "breakdown"... could my family?? Is it worth it in any way?

I know these are questions only I can answer. I just wanted to reach out again and see if anyone has looked that fear of uncertainty in the face and made the decision they didn't think they could make. What was it like on the other side?

Anyway... I should sleep now. Just needed to vent.

[Sunshine]

I realize you don't actually know me (nor I you), but hopefully this can help:

I, too, am in a PhD science program (Neurobiology). I've previously reached the breaking point you seem to be at (though perhaps not as close to walking away) and have seen pretty much every other student in my program reach it too. I think it's a natural sentiment that everyone in science goes through at some point(s) in their career, so hopefully you can find some comfort in knowing that you're not the only one that goes through this.

The fact that you want to be remembered for your art and not your degree makes sense; I don't think anyone wants to be known for their degree. But that's not really why you get it. You get your degree so you can do the things you want to be remembered for. So the question is, how much would your degree help you achieve your larger goals? I don't know how critical an anatomy PhD is for medical illustrating(which, as a medical student, I appreciate more than you can know - I wonder if I've ever seen any of your drawings). Hopefully you can find someone to talk to who does.

So I guess what you have to do is weigh the usefulness of a degree against the focus taken away from your drawing and the detriment to your health. It sounds like at the very least you need a break, and a long one at that. Getting a degree won't do you any good if aren't healthy enough to use it once you've got it.

It sounds like you've got a good enough head on your shoulders that you'll come out just fine, no matter what you decide. As long as your approach whichever path you take with confidence and the knowledge that you're doing what you want to do, you'll be fine. :)

[jimmy]

i know everyone on these boards is really smart, compassionate and full of support and good advice .... but .... i would absolutely talk to someone real (in person). someone who knows about mental health. learn more about what's going on inside you .... learn some relaxation and meditation techniques to help you ride the waves.

[Motti]

Hey Meg,

I don't think I'll be able to offer much help -- since I have no artistic ability whatsoever and I haven't been put in a stressful position as you --, but I thought I should say I browsed through your illustrations and I thought they were great. This is "great" in a "I can't believe I haven't been able to think of this type of illustration as art before, but oh it really is" way.

I hope you figure things out and it works out for the best. You really do have the talent.

[redmeg8]

Thank you Motti, jimmy, and sunshine. I can honestly say that I've taken what you said to heart.

I wanted to further explain, particularly in light of what Sunshine said, that a PhD in Anatomy is not required for med. illustration. A Master's IS, and I have that (from Johns Hopkins). So, I've been able to practice that part of my art with what I have. And, I would say that 99% of people in my profession do the same. The 2 people that I know who went the PhD route after their Masters' ended up more "in science" than "in art". That's always on my mind as I think about this.

By the way, SS, I'm also in Neuro.

Anyway, I guess I have trouble not seeing this as black and white. I mean, one pursuit at the expense of the other. Science without much (good) art (for now) or all art with no pursuit of an advanced scientific degree. It's hard to overcome that mindset as I've been robbed of a lot of my artistic gumption in this last year as a direct result of school. I have a large freelance job and I have not been doing my best work for it.

I've never given myself 100% to my artistic pursuits. I know I ran back to school when it got hard (and for other reasons not related to my interest in science). That, plus my current situation of sub-par health, etc. have led me to wonder if I can fit it all in properly without doing a disservice to something.

Can I accept having art as a side-project for now? If that behavior starts, will it become a permanent circumstance?
Will I ever get it thru my head that I can do what I want with this degree and don't have to follow the research-grant-publish obsession route (which is the mindset of my lab and all of my present colleagues)?

You said a lot of very thought-provoking things, SS. I cannot thank you enough for that.

And Motti, thank you for the kind complements.

Jim: I have been advised to seek person-to-person help with what's happening with me, but that scares the be-jesus outta me. Does anyone know if meds steal your artist abilities away? I've heard there are no guarantees. I'm not willing to do that. Sigh... sorry if that's TMI to anyone.

Anyway... enough rambling.
Thank you thank you thank you.

[uselesstomato]

like motti, i dont think i can offer much help since i've never been in quite the same position as you.

but i also wish you the best. you asked for a "it'll be fine"
so here it is


DONT WORRY REDMEG!!! it'll be FINE!! :D

[redmeg8]

hee hee
thanks, UT
:)

[jimmy]

[QUOTE=redmeg8]

Jim: I have been advised to seek person-to-person help with what's happening with me, but that scares the be-jesus outta me. Does anyone know if meds steal your artist abilities away? I've heard there are no guarantees. I'm not willing to do that. Sigh... sorry if that's TMI to anyone.

QUOTE]

personally, i would stay away from meds. but i'm not a doctor. and i'm of the philosophy that if i wasn't in some kindof pain ... i wouldn't know if i was alive or not :D

some of my most creative moments come out of depressed/anxious moments. artistic expression is cathartic ....

it's been my personal experience that learning a good breathing/relaxation technique is all you really need to take the edge off. basically training your body and mind to relax by just using a few physical cues. i learned it from a doctor. a good doctor won't prescribe meds right off the bat, so don't be afraid to talk to one. i think it will be helpful.

[redmeg8]

I kinda wish I could delete this thread...
I feel like I've spilled a little too much.
Sigh. :o

[redmeg8]

http://www.megalo-media.com/owndamnaward.jpg