yoshomon
31 Oct 2005, 12:02 PM
After a week of terror threats, New York embarks on effort to clean shit out of pants
by Clayton Byrd
In an effort Mayor Michael Bloomberg has called “Herculean”, the city of New York has laid out a plan to help city residents hose out their soiled pants after a week of wildly speculative warnings about possible attacks on the cities’ subways.
“This won’t be easy,” Bloomberg said. “We all thought we had a credible threat, a specific threat; we arrested some Arabs and flooded the subway system with cops and it turned out we had nothing. Now it’s our somber duty to get some detergent and bleach and help the citizens of New York scoop the crap out of their pants.”
The plan includes reimbursement of city laundromats who let New Yorkers use their facilities for free and dispersing city officials and celebrities to clean-up sites to turn the shame of soiling oneself into patriotic pride. Yankee’s star Derrick Jeter and former mayor Rudy Guiliani head the list of spokespeople for the campaign, which the city has dubbed “Down with Brown ‘05”.
City sanitation officials have already received Hazmat materials from the National Guard and are plumbing the subway system with bilge-pumps. They subways were hardest hit by the veritable tsunami of excreta, flooded with anywhere from four to five feet of human waste. The excess fecal matter will be pumped into the Hudson River. Enterprising street-vendors stationed at Ground Zero of the World Trade Center have already started selling jars of feces labeled “10/9/05: Never Forget.”
Federal officials have questioned the accuracy of pronouncements of imminent attacks from the mayor and NYPD officials. One man standing outside a Brooklyn Off-track Betting who identified himself as a “Department of Homeland Security official” remarked yesterday “There was no ‘there’ there, dig? I don’t know what they was smokin’. The only ‘there’ that’s there now is a bunch of dook all over the subway. Man… they made those people mess they draw’s. Nasty.”
Most New Yorkers, realizing they are at the epicenter of one of the most attractive targets for terrorism have become savvy enough to recognize a tangible warning to a fake one were unsure whether to soil themselves or not. This changed Friday night when Mayor Bloomberg appeared at a press conference and screamed “You think this is a game?! You think this is a motherfucking game!?! There are bombs in that subway now strapped to rats!! 50 megatons each, set to detonate by remote in a chain reaction!! Kiss your asses goodbye!! These motherfuckas crazy, man!! Game over!! Game fucking over!!”
Police commissioner Raymond Kelly stood behind the mayor yelling “What!? Yee-ah!” He added “What!?” followed by a few barking-dog noises.
New York’s terror threat level was briefly raised to red when the sound of the city collectively defecating itself was mistaken for the sound of a nuclear bomb-blast.
When asked if his comments were a little shrill yesterday, Mayor Bloomberg blushed. “I’d rather have the city ruin a perfectly good pair of pants than fall asleep on the fact that we are confronted with the challenges of a war on terrorism every single day.”
Questioned about the three Iraqi men who were detained in suspected connection to the plot who later turned out to have nothing to do with anything of the sort, Mayor Bloomberg responded, “Is my face red. Well, whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do in these situations, right? It just looks better if you arrest some brown people. Then people realize they’re in danger and let cops x-ray their children ‘in case they made them swallow dirty-bombs’ or something,” he said, making air-quotes with his fingers. “You know how we roll.”
“Man, I cannot take this much longer,” said subway sanitation worker Jolie Combs, “After that stuff in London this summer, people would mess the seats a little, and then they put all these cops down here lookin’ at baby carriages and such and then they get nervous on TV and the whole system’s flooded. They best better be paying me overtime for this. We’re dragging up shit in buckets. You know how many mop heads we’ve gone through? After a while, all you’re doing is just spreading the doo-doo around.”
The national media also played its part as servitors to the fear machine, covering the story as if it were the case of a group of missing white girls. Fox News pundit Sean Hannity posited that the city faced “certain death,” and conducted interviews with former city police officials from a clear fiberglass toilet, so viewers could see him perform what he called “a patriotic act of solidarity with the soon-to-be atomized people of New York.” Grunting and waving a giant American flag, Hannity said “Rrrr… we live in different times now. We can no longer—ughhhh… stay as selfish and insulated as we have been in the past. Of course I’d rather do this than question the motives of New York officials, or ask any specific questions about this very nebulous threat. Grrr… If this is what America needs, then I’m more than happy to put journalism second for number two.” A bald eagle then soared majestically from his ass.
The state Center for Disease Control has reported that it expects “a mere 1,000 to 2,000 deaths from the riptide of shit all over the city,” in what one CDC official labeled “sorta ironic.” The casualties are expected mostly from the cities poor and homeless.
“So it’s win-win,” Mayor Bloomberg said. Yesterday night, donning a surgical face-mask and a push-broom for a photo-opportunity in Manhattan, he vowed that the subway system will be returned to “as relatively feces-free as it was before.” He commended New Yorkers for their “brilliant” reaction “in the face of such fear-mongering on our part,” saying “Way to go, New York.”
by Clayton Byrd
In an effort Mayor Michael Bloomberg has called “Herculean”, the city of New York has laid out a plan to help city residents hose out their soiled pants after a week of wildly speculative warnings about possible attacks on the cities’ subways.
“This won’t be easy,” Bloomberg said. “We all thought we had a credible threat, a specific threat; we arrested some Arabs and flooded the subway system with cops and it turned out we had nothing. Now it’s our somber duty to get some detergent and bleach and help the citizens of New York scoop the crap out of their pants.”
The plan includes reimbursement of city laundromats who let New Yorkers use their facilities for free and dispersing city officials and celebrities to clean-up sites to turn the shame of soiling oneself into patriotic pride. Yankee’s star Derrick Jeter and former mayor Rudy Guiliani head the list of spokespeople for the campaign, which the city has dubbed “Down with Brown ‘05”.
City sanitation officials have already received Hazmat materials from the National Guard and are plumbing the subway system with bilge-pumps. They subways were hardest hit by the veritable tsunami of excreta, flooded with anywhere from four to five feet of human waste. The excess fecal matter will be pumped into the Hudson River. Enterprising street-vendors stationed at Ground Zero of the World Trade Center have already started selling jars of feces labeled “10/9/05: Never Forget.”
Federal officials have questioned the accuracy of pronouncements of imminent attacks from the mayor and NYPD officials. One man standing outside a Brooklyn Off-track Betting who identified himself as a “Department of Homeland Security official” remarked yesterday “There was no ‘there’ there, dig? I don’t know what they was smokin’. The only ‘there’ that’s there now is a bunch of dook all over the subway. Man… they made those people mess they draw’s. Nasty.”
Most New Yorkers, realizing they are at the epicenter of one of the most attractive targets for terrorism have become savvy enough to recognize a tangible warning to a fake one were unsure whether to soil themselves or not. This changed Friday night when Mayor Bloomberg appeared at a press conference and screamed “You think this is a game?! You think this is a motherfucking game!?! There are bombs in that subway now strapped to rats!! 50 megatons each, set to detonate by remote in a chain reaction!! Kiss your asses goodbye!! These motherfuckas crazy, man!! Game over!! Game fucking over!!”
Police commissioner Raymond Kelly stood behind the mayor yelling “What!? Yee-ah!” He added “What!?” followed by a few barking-dog noises.
New York’s terror threat level was briefly raised to red when the sound of the city collectively defecating itself was mistaken for the sound of a nuclear bomb-blast.
When asked if his comments were a little shrill yesterday, Mayor Bloomberg blushed. “I’d rather have the city ruin a perfectly good pair of pants than fall asleep on the fact that we are confronted with the challenges of a war on terrorism every single day.”
Questioned about the three Iraqi men who were detained in suspected connection to the plot who later turned out to have nothing to do with anything of the sort, Mayor Bloomberg responded, “Is my face red. Well, whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do in these situations, right? It just looks better if you arrest some brown people. Then people realize they’re in danger and let cops x-ray their children ‘in case they made them swallow dirty-bombs’ or something,” he said, making air-quotes with his fingers. “You know how we roll.”
“Man, I cannot take this much longer,” said subway sanitation worker Jolie Combs, “After that stuff in London this summer, people would mess the seats a little, and then they put all these cops down here lookin’ at baby carriages and such and then they get nervous on TV and the whole system’s flooded. They best better be paying me overtime for this. We’re dragging up shit in buckets. You know how many mop heads we’ve gone through? After a while, all you’re doing is just spreading the doo-doo around.”
The national media also played its part as servitors to the fear machine, covering the story as if it were the case of a group of missing white girls. Fox News pundit Sean Hannity posited that the city faced “certain death,” and conducted interviews with former city police officials from a clear fiberglass toilet, so viewers could see him perform what he called “a patriotic act of solidarity with the soon-to-be atomized people of New York.” Grunting and waving a giant American flag, Hannity said “Rrrr… we live in different times now. We can no longer—ughhhh… stay as selfish and insulated as we have been in the past. Of course I’d rather do this than question the motives of New York officials, or ask any specific questions about this very nebulous threat. Grrr… If this is what America needs, then I’m more than happy to put journalism second for number two.” A bald eagle then soared majestically from his ass.
The state Center for Disease Control has reported that it expects “a mere 1,000 to 2,000 deaths from the riptide of shit all over the city,” in what one CDC official labeled “sorta ironic.” The casualties are expected mostly from the cities poor and homeless.
“So it’s win-win,” Mayor Bloomberg said. Yesterday night, donning a surgical face-mask and a push-broom for a photo-opportunity in Manhattan, he vowed that the subway system will be returned to “as relatively feces-free as it was before.” He commended New Yorkers for their “brilliant” reaction “in the face of such fear-mongering on our part,” saying “Way to go, New York.”